Woof. The state of the world makes me want to jump off planet.
I’ve made the complicated, messy decision to leave Meta. And holy fuck has that been hard to stick to. I’m worried about losing all of the passive connections I have that have meant the world to me. I’m worried that there is no good place really and it’s really pick your poison. And mostly I’m worried that this will scatter us even more.
I feel like I’m spending my days, attempting to rationalize my fears instead of feeling them because feeling them is just too fucking heavy. I’m worried about my family so much I’ve barely given myself any time to worry about me.
And then all of my worries feel so hollow compared to what I feel like my loved ones have to worry about. I’m not trans. Questionably next to the umbrella, sure but I’m not under it. I was born here. And yes I am Black but the threats to me feel so distant when threats to my trans community and migrant community feel so pressing.
My patience is thinning. I’m pre-exhausted and overwhelmed. And I know, logically, that’s the point. But it’s working. And that’s the worst part.
So what the fuck do we do now?
I don’t have an answer to that generally. But I can tell you where I’m at personally.
I’m trying my best to not get overwhelmed with big, scary things and think of things as one step at a time. What is the next best step I can take right now that can help guide me to fighting the big things? What can I focus on in the immediate so I don’t get drowned in impending doom?
For right now, for me, I can focus on creating a stronger community, making bad art, and donating money/time when I can to the people who have more stamina and resources than I do to fight the good fight. While I’ve loved how social media makes me feel like I’m connected to people, as people were reaching to me, I realized how little I actually kept in touch with people scattered across the world. I don’t have time to send 1000 emails a week but I do have time to pick a handful of people a month and check in. Even if it’s a fast “Are you alive?” text. We’ll need each other more than ever now and I want to work on showing up for people in a real way.
But before I can do any of that, I have to work on my mental health. I have to make sure I’m in the right head space to really hear people when they need help and to be upfront about when I’m not. I’m still not medicated. I’m not in therapy. I have to find a way to protect my brain, otherwise what help can I really be?
I wanted to bring the blog back as a way to connect with people but also as a place to venting, scream, breathe, and remember. I’m realizing I don’t remember nearly enough about the first time the angry orange in a bad weave took office and memory is important. It’s important to remember his tactics, his weaknesses, and his lack of follow through. I know we won’t all survive this and I find myself already pre-mourning.
But if I survive this, I also want to remember how. So that I can help as best as I can, should there be, gods forbid, a next time.
So, uh, welcome to the blog! It won’t always be so dark but it won’t always be light either. It’ll be a rambly mess and hopefully this way we can all feel a little less alone.
Love, always,
Rachel