Woof. Did February steamroll over anyone else?
This month felt a bit like an avalanche. Between everything happening on the federal level which continues to look more and more like technocracy (I learned the meaning of that word this month. I hate that I learned the meaning of that word this month), my job has a major event coming up early March that’s been all hands on deck, playwriting has spiraled in both beautiful and horrible ways, and I’m going through bottles of bourbon like Maker’s is paying me, specifically. It has been a wild time.
On top of EVERYTHING ELSE, I feel like I’m having major social media withdrawal. I miss talking shit on Facebook and feeling like I was actually in conversation with people. I miss posting stupid pictures on the gram of my cats. I miss going on TikTok to destress and it was just nonstop videos of absolute nonsense. I miss knowing the silly jokes, the memes, the CATS. There were cats I followed I think about all the time. And very selfishly, I have some classes I want to teach soon and I have no idea how to market them without social media. Blue Sky is fun but it isn’t the same. I’m not getting the same engagement and it feels a bit like screaming into the void.
Most of all though I miss joy. Relentless silly joy.
I have been sitting with an anger in my chest and I don’t know what to do with it. It’s just in there, festering away, with nowhere to really throw it. Before I get too deep into it, I hate when people say anger is a useless emotion. No the fuck it isn’t. First off, no emotion is useless. And when I said that to someone recently, they were like “well it’s not productive.” Excuse me? Anger demands change. It wakes us up. Every single change we’ve had, momentous and minor, was able to happen because someone got angry. Someone got pissed. Today, a ton of people across the country are choosing to not spend money because they got angry. Anger is action. It’s incredibly powerful and this weird, white-washing of anger as unnecessary has no place in this house.
I’m not frustrated that I’m angry. I’m frustrated that I’m angry with no real way to act. I’ve done the boycotts, I’ve reached out to my reps, I’ve made sure to stay informed…but compared to incessant attacks, my anger requires a much darker action. A larger one. And that’s where I get stuck. I want to do something BIG but I also don’t want to put my family at risk. And while I’m not the most thrilled about being alive, I don’t exactly want suicide by cop either.
So where does that leave me?
Intellectually, I know this is the problem of individualism. Thinking I have to be the one to do something is how we ended up with President Elon in the first place. He’s convinced himself only he can save the world and build it in his image. That’s not how progress happens. It needs to be collective. We need to be reaching out to the people who have been doing the work this whole time. Intellectually, yes, I know it’s not up to me to save the world.
But, unfortunately, I’m a Cancer. And while I don’t want to save the world, I do want to protect my family and I don’t know how to do that right now. I’m worried all the time. And then I’m angry that I’m worried because that’s what they want, to overwhelm us. But like, what if it’s working?
I’m a bit paralyzed by my fear and fighting as best as I can despite that.
Instead of writing this blog post yesterday for the new moon in Pisces, I decided to rest and reflect. What do I want? I’ve been reading a lot about how the best way to fight the overwhelm is to dream. To commit so hard to what utopia looks like. To be honest, utopia feels really far away from me right now.
Eventually, I will find a place for all this anger. But simultaneously I also want to start carving out room for joy, even if it’s small. Even if it feels like impossible on top of illogical. I need to start moving towards what if instead of drowning in whyyy.
Do I know how I’m going to do that? NOPE. But I have to try. And if you’re feeling this way too, I hope you fight for your joy too.