I think I might be having a mid-life crisis.
Which in itself is kind of funny because my entire adulthood has been a crisis. I think that’s true for most millennials. We were in college (some of us) when the market crashed and all of a sudden all the safe jobs weren’t safe anymore. Even as technology continues to advance beyond us (sometimes in contempt of us) less and less jobs feel safe. A friend of mine majored in Arabic and Spanish and said people are always going to need translators….They recently went to law school and even that’s not really safe anymore.
The almost fortunate thing about wanting to work in the arts means I never had any expectation that my choice was “safe.” It was reckless but that’s what I liked about it. It felt like the arts were more flexible, that I could do a little bit of that and a little bit of this and kind of hodge podge a career together. It felt like the more free choice. I wouldn’t have to worry about a 8-5 and wear a suit and come home exhausted from working intensely on something that really didn’t matter in the large scope of my life.
But the arts are a bit obsessed with being corporate. And it seems more and more like the less funding the arts get, the more artists are expected to work even more for much, much less and the spin seems to keep being: Yeah you’re hungry and can’t pay rent but at least your heart isn’t hungry. It’s this weird pitch that the only choice is a soulless corporate job where you have enough to live a good life OR work a job you’re passionate about and just accept poverty until the end of time. But at least you love what you do as it’s killing you.
I don’t want that anymore. I knew that when I left theatre the first time. The problem is I didn’t leave theatre to go corporate. I went from theatre to education so it was the same problems, different font.
Most of last year I angsted about is it too late to pivot to corporate and wondered if I should get an MBA or MPA or both. I could get into a relatively “good” school and then work my way up. With my experience of already working in non profit finance and the degree, I could probably skip the line. And since the arts/nonprofits have become a little obsessed with corporatizing anyway, I really don’t think they’d be that much of a difference. I could still write, probably have time to write to be honest, and make a living that didn’t mean living paycheck to paycheck. Both my heart and my stomach could be fed.
The unfortunate truth though is I don’t want to. I don’t want to go back to school, especially not now as the government cuts every program that could help me pay for it. But even if it was free, I’m just not that interested. So I’m back to square one.
Plus, I already found my dream job that fills both my heart and my standard of living: writing for TV. I can be both a writer and a producer, work with lots of different people, get to play pretend and get paid for it, and (eventually) travel and see the world. And it pays well. I used to say I never wanted to write for TV and I hate myself for that because I had just tried it sooner I might still be working in it.
But that’s just not how it shook out. I got my first TV job in 2021 and my second in 2022 and then the strike happened. And then writers’ rooms got smaller and then AI forced its way in and then Trump got re-elected and then DEI programs all died and then the odds became 1000 to 1 to 3,000,000 to 1. For now, TV just isn’t on the table.
So I have to pivot. Which is the artists’ way. It’s nothing new.
I return to the metaphorical chalkboard. Academia won’t hire me. I haven’t taught a college class since 2021 and it’s really hierarchical in a very unnecessary way so to teach again, I’d have to drop to Post-Grad even though when I left I was about to be offered Assistant Professor.
I could go back to theatre*. Which means working long hours, late nights, and for very little pay. Also also, theatre companies won’t hire me because it’s been since 2020 that I had a production job. And even though I was offered General Manager at the time, since I left before I accepted it, folks think I’m not even qualified to be a production manager.
I could stay on the nonprofit but not arts track. But that was also draining. So what do I do?
And don’t even get my started on how playwriting is going…….
Do I really have to start over? Was everything leading up to this just worthless? Do I just need to do the thing I really don’t want to and just wipe the slate clean? Again?!
Hence the midlife crisis.
Ultimately, I’ll be fine. Historically, it’s in moments like these where I felt a bit trapped when I made a radical life-changing choice. And seeing 111 every day is definitely making me wonder: What am I about to do and will I survive it? Even better than survive it, will it finally transform me?
I guess we’ll have to wait and see.
* I have technically gone back to theatre, of sorts. I’m part-time and figuring out how to adjust to working two jobs and losing my Saturdays. So this is post isn’t about that specific job but just the general vibe of working in the arts.